femme is not fem and fem is not femme!
fem = feminine. thats it. anyone can be feminine.
femme is a social & political identity within lesbianism. it goes against gender norms & the patriarchy and is very rooted in using your privilege as someone who can (typically) pass as straight due to the femininity associated with it to protect and uplift butch lesbians who cannot hide their identities as easily. femme lesbians are typically more privileged in certain contexts than butch lesbians, who are more likely to be the targets of assault from homophobes. being a femme is about making the voices of those who are ignored and harmed louder. it is using your privilege as a femme to uplift and protect the more marginalised within the lesbian and wider queer community.
historically, femmes were the people who took a stand against anti lgbtq activists because their presentation afforded them the ability to get close and be listened to. a femme also deconstructs gender in a way thats antithetical to patriarchal ideas of femininity. a femmes femininity is not constrained to ideas of what men find attractive, what is deemed socially acceptable, etc. a femmes appearance can run between the scale of hyperfemininity that embraces every feminine thing thats considered "too much" by society (think inspired by drag, even), down to dressing in ways that are dark, edgy or even just not traditionally seen as feminine. its about embracing gender and sexuality in a way that runs counter to patriarchal beliefs.
since a femme identity is rooted in politics, you should have an eye (and mouth) for homophobia, misogyny, transphobia, etc. and work to counter these things with your words, actions and behaviour. you are a protector of butches, you are here to educate people with harmful beliefs and defend the more marginalised, even as you face marginalisation.
it is also the counterpart to butch. historically butches faced a great deal of lesbiphobia, which led to femmes needing to step up and defend them. historically, butches often faced heightened visibility and discrimination due to their gender nonconformity. during periods where women had limited economic opportunities, many butches also took on masculine social roles to help support themselves, their partners, and their communities.
butchfemme is still a recognised relationship dynamic today. being a femme has an expectation that you fight for butches! you cant be a femme if you hate on butches for their presentation. doing so directly contradicts the history and purpose of the identity. femmes and butches are, and always have been, extremely intertwined.
you cannot be a femme, nor a butch, if you are on the side of the oppressor. if you are homophobic (biphobia, panphobia, acephobia, etc), transphobic, a misogynist, a cop, anything that has oppressed queer people? you are not a femme or a butch. you are masc or fem.
i also need people to stop saying cait & vi (arcane) are butchfemme. why cant they be butchfemme? femme and butch are inherently political. think of it this way, you cant be punk or alt while being a cop or in support of the ice raid as a current world example. this would inherently contradict the history behind these terms so therefore cait isnt femme but is fem & vi isnt butch but is masc. back in the 50s and 60s, cops would raid butchfemme bars and take butches to the station to brutalize and sexually assault them. if cait were a femme she wouldnt be a cop. if vi were a butch she wouldnt be a cop.
wanna hear my thoughts on lesboys? read here