I genuinely never put my feelings into words. If you found this rentry, wow! You pay attention about me more than I thought, after all you went though my fluffle, read my extended all the way to the bottom and got here

I feel socially and emotionally disconnected, I don't know how to handle emotions, much less act or express them. I can only copy what others do, after all that's what society has built us for, right? Even if I dont have the emotional capability, society still showed me how to act around others. How to "show" emotion to others. Im aware I become too much, people has told me so, I just dont know how to do it

One of the reasons i can't seem to keep friends and family around either. I dont feel the sense that I should be working for it, the sense of need to keep connected to others, simply because I didnt need to. Like a stupid fucking robot its hilarious

I still yearn for companionship really, but at a hefty step its absolutely ridiculous. I yearn to be seen first, to be reached out to first, to be shown the way first before I even do anything. I keep masking to protect myself because I dont want to be seen, because I want people to see me beyond it without me ever having to tell them, but that sounds fucking difficult isnt it

Everytime someone says they understand me or that they sympathise with me deeply, no you dont, because I've never felt relieved that you "understood" me. Because I know you're looking at my situation at a shallow point. Like its a problem like everyone else's. I can tell when Im misunderstood, and it just brings me to hide myself even more

Most would ask me if Im okay, I'll say yes, of course, since its the only thing ive learned to say. I'd call myself apathetic, but really I dont know anymore.